Josuke Really Steals?
by Anti-Mattering
Summary: The boys hear rumors of a Stand-wielding thief and decide to take the law into their own hands.


It was an ordinary day in the town of Morioh filled with everything extraordinary that normally entails. Like any other day, a group of three friends had gathered after school, squatting on the sidewalk outside the Owson grocery store. From the looks of things, they were having quite the spirited discussion.

"Seriously? People are really doing that?" Even after everything they'd seen in this town, Josuke had to be at least a bit skeptical.

"Seriously! Some guy is using Stand powers to rob tourists around here! Kanedaichi told me about. I guess people aren't trading him stuff much anymore since they're all getting robbed and don't trust strangers." Okuyasu pantomimed his best interpretation of a pickpocket for emphasis just to show how serious he was being.

"If that's true, that's really bad!" Koichi said. "Can we do something to stop it?"

He shrugged. "No clue."

"Hold up," Josuke said, quickly getting irritated. "You tell us about this stuff and you don't even have a plan for what to do about it?"

"Dude, I'm not smart. You guys know that. That's why I'm asking what we should do, get it?"

"Okay, that's fair." Crossing his arms, Josuke began to think as hard as his brain could manage before promptly giving up. "Alright, then. Koichi, what do we do?"

"Come on. Don't put me on the spot like that..." Even so, he still began to consider their options. "Well, I guess we could split up and look around. If someone's really using a Stand to steal from people, it would probably be easy for us to see it."

"Hey, you're right. Nice idea, Koichi!" Josuke slapped him on the back, all three of them standing up to full height. "Okay, let's find out where the last theft took place and go from there." Despite their enthusiasm at the moment, none of them were particularly dedicated to finding the culprit. It's not like they were detectives, plus this was far from the kind of thing that would normally spur them into action. But the fact of the matter was that they were bored and wanted something to do today, and if it ended up helping some people, all the better.

They made their way a few blocks over to begin investigating around the Kameyu department store. "It happened outside, right?" Josuke asked, scanning the crowd to see if anyone suspicious stuck out to him.

"Yeah," Okuyasu said with a nod. He joined Josuke in looking around, but in the opposite direction. Koichi deployed Act I to look from above. "You've got to admit, it's a pretty good plan."

"What?"

"You know. This guy goes to big public places so it's easier to steal stuff. And normal people don't see Stands, so he doesn't even have to touch anyone to take things. And it's tourists, so they might not even notice until they're already gone."

"Geez, you've really been thinking about this."

He scratched the back of his head and laughed. "Well, me and my bro had to make ends meet a long time ago, so it was kind of what we'd do. I mean, he came up with the plan, but it was simple enough even I could figure it out."

"You don't do that anymore, though, right?" Koichi asked, Act I returning to him with no leads.

"Of course not! Give me a little credit here!"

Josuke leaned down and put his arm around Koichi, whispering, "You'd better be careful now. Fall in with a bad crowd and start stealing and Yukako might kidnap you again."

"Hey, no she wouldn't! She told me so on our last date."

"Still, probably not worth risking it. Look how shady he is." Okuyasu snapped back to reality after realizing people were talking about him, having lost himself in scratching his chest.

"I don't steal!" He crossed his arms and grumbled, "Quit accusing me of stuff. Let's just go look for this guy already." The gang split up to look for clues after that, scouring the area for anyone who looked like a Stand user. Unfortunately, there was a distinct lack of anyone besides them striking unusual poses, leaving with no leads.

Josuke walked down the sidewalk, hands in his pockets as he tried to think of what to do. For whatever reason, he kept coming back to how Okuyasu had broken down the thief's M.O. during their conversation earlier. Was it really as simple as all that? It had to be from the way he talked about it.

It sounded so easy that even he could get away with it without any problem. Not that he wanted to steal anything, just in theory. Then again, maybe he should try it? Just once as a test to get into the mind of a criminal. He'd return the thing right after, too, so it's not like anyone would be hurt.

What was he even thinking about this for? It was a bunch of nonsense. Of course he wasn't going to steal from anyone. Even if it wasn't against his morals, imagine if the guys found out. They'd tear into him for years to come over something like this, especially after giving Okuyasu a hard time earlier.

As he grappled with the pros and cons of attempted pickpocketing, Josuke was nearly pushed over by a loud man walking behind him. "Out of my way!" he barked, blond buzz cut and hot dog in a death grip between his fingers giving him a distinctly American appearance. Josuke tried to apologize for standing still, but this guy was just having none of it, screaming into the air as he strolled away.

Almost entirely on impulse and with a distinct lack of anything resembling thought, Josuke decided to do something he would immediately regret. This guy was oblivious, a tourist, and an all around piece of shit. If anyone deserved to be stolen from, it was him. Therefore, he was the perfect guy to target.

And that's exactly what he did. Crazy Diamond grabbed the top of the man's wallet protruding from his back pocket, quickly bringing what it had taken back to its owner and disappearing. As the fool walked away without even so much as a second look, Josuke stood there with the stolen goods gripped in his fingers trying to process what he'd just done.

By the time processing had completed, he was positively mortified. With a scream, he shoved the thing into his pocket, looking around him to see if anyone had caught him. While several people were looking at him, it was more likely a result of the shrill screech he'd just let out than his nefarious dealings.

"Crap, this is bad..." he said to himself while pacing back and forth. "Why did I do that? What do I do?" Scratching his head and close to a complete meltdown, his salvation came in the appearance of a single thought. "That's it! He'll know what to do!"

Rushing to a payphone, Josuke pulled out his wallet and shoved several coins into the slot. Dialing the number, he waited for it to ring twice before a gruff voice picked up on the other end. "Hey, Jotaro! How's my nephew today?"

"Why are you talking like that?" Jotaro asked, getting straight to the point.

"Like what?" he said, nervously laughing and doing a terrible job at hiding the fact something was up. "We haven't talked in a month, is all. I just wanted to see how things were going over there. See any neat fish lately?"

After a brief pause, he replied, "Yes. We caught an unusual sailfish the other day. Normally, their dorsal fins are blue or a similar shade, but this one was red. We kept it for a few days to study but there was nothing else out of the ordinary. Possibly a mutation."

"That's really interesting," Josuke lied. "Say, could you give me some advice on something that just happened?"

"That depends on what you ask," he said.

"Well, a friend of mine-"

"What did you do?"

"Fine, I stole something!" he said, looking around to make sure no one was eavesdropping on their conversation.

"Good grief," Jotaro replied, leaning back in his office chair. "What was it? When I was about your age, I got into some trouble like that, too. Depending on what it is, you might get in less trouble."

"Well..." he said while reaching into his pocket.

"Alcohol? Cigarettes? Jewelry from a store? Someone's wallet?"

"It was...a business card!" The line went silent. "I mean, I think. It's all in English so I can't tell. But it's a card from some guy's wallet. I don't know what to do, Jotaro!"

As there was no way for him to physically reach through the phone and punch him, Jotaro merely sighed. "That's probably not a big deal."

"I stole it, though. What do I do?"

"Just find the guy and return it. Say he dropped it on the ground if you want and you're giving it back."

"But that would be a lie," he argued. "I'm not really good at lying, anyway. Isn't there some other way?"

"Look, it really doesn't matter. Tell him whatever you want when you find him. Sorry, but I need to get back to work now." He hung up right after, Josuke sighing as he realized what he needed to do. It took him three hours worth of searching but he did indeed locate the man from before. Oddly, his hot dog hadn't been eaten yet. Was it just a prop?

"Excuse me, sir!" he said, running up to the man.

"What?" he asked in the same tone as before.

Pulling out the card, Josuke held it out. "Well, uh...I...found this..." He swallowed hard. "...in your pocket."

"Talk normal!" he commanded, grabbing the card and looking it over. "Hey, this is mine! I never gave it to a punk like you!"

"That's what I was trying to say," he said, growing more and more confused by the man's propensity to scream each word he spoke.

"Wait a minute," the man said, his volume lowered for the first time in what may have been decades. "If you have that card, that means you stole it from me. But I'd notice a normal person trying to steal from me. Which means...you're a Stand user!"

"What?" Josuke cried out. "How did you get to that? Wait, hold on. You just said 'Stand user', right? How do you know about Stands?"

"I guess the jig is up," the main said, his entire body language changing from one of a boisterous jackass to a cool, collected mastermind. Throwing open the brown coat he wore, he revealed a number of stolen items from wallets to children's toys. "You're pretty smart, boy. I didn't think anyone would uncover my plan, especially this quickly."

"You were the thief all along?" Josuke asked in complete and utter confusion.

"Indeed. And now that you know that, I'll have to silence you." Behind him, a green skeleton with a red and blue pool ball in each eye socket appeared, bones rattling around as it began to pull discarded trash on the ground towards it. "Behold my power! My Stand, Garbage, has the ability to draw in trash from all around! I can manipulate it however I want, including to kill you! You've got no chance of stopping me! I'll-"

"Dora!" A single punch to the face was all it took to down the stranger, his unconscious body crumbled on the pavement. "Well, that takes care of that," Josuke said, walking off to go find a police officer that would take care of the thief and hopefully return the stolen items.

* * *

"So that's what happened," he said, Okuyasu and Koichi having rejoined him at the end of the day.

"That's a really odd story, even for us," Koichi said, mild skepticism evident in his voice.

"I can't believe you're the one who ended up stealing," Okuyasu said with a laugh, pulling Josuke into a headlock. "And after you said all that stuff to me. Could you be any more uncool?"

"I get it, I get it!" he said, pushing him off. "Watch the hair."

"This had better be a lesson, Josuke," Koichi scolded. "No more stealing. Though I guess it's not so bad since he _did_ turn out to be the thief."

"What do you think that means?" Okuyasu said.

Josuke shrugged. "I don't know, man. It's been a long day. I guess there's not really anything to learn here."

"So, like, no moral lesson?" Okuyasu asked.

"No way. This isn't some kiddie cartoon with a lesson at the end of each episode. It's just life, man. Nothing makes sense."

"That's true, but still..." Koichi wasn't sure how to feel about all of this.

"Well, whatever. Hey, want to see what Rohan's up to? I heard his house just got finished being rebuilt."

"Ain't he still banned you since you burned the last one down?" Okuyasu told him.

"I'm sure he's forgotten all about that by now," Josuke replied with absolutely no hope that that was the case. "We'll settle that when we get there. Come on, let's go!"

And it was on that day that nothing of interest happened in the town of Morioh.

* * *

This is some fucking garbage right here.

Don't ask why I wrote this because I can't answer that. It just happened. Thanks for reading, I guess? Always remember that morality is relative and we're all going to die.


End file.
